


A Twist Of Fate

by thefangirlingdead



Series: In Another Life [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Character Death, Fluff, M/M, Memories, Reincarnation, a little bit of blood and violence, but dont worry they come back, obviously, slight spoilers for a choice with no regrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-14
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-08 16:39:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reincarnation AU.</p>
<p>Even as a small child, Erwin remembers bits and pieces of his old life. Bits and pieces of Levi. He just doesn't realize that they're memories and not dreams until later down the road.<br/>Basically, I just wanted to write a bunch of angsty fluffy stuff with these two, especially Erwin remembering Levi and trying to find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Can Remember The Good Old Days

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing something like this, and I'm really excited about it!
> 
> Also, the title of this fic, as well as every chapter title is from the song [Talk](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPlctn7Y-GQ%22) by Kodaline. I highly recommend listening to it, because it kind of gave me a lot of feelings. (And Kodaline is awesome)

At first, Erwin is too young to know what the dreams mean. _At first_ , he's just like any other little kid that wakes up in the middle of the night because he's had a nightmare.

The first memorable one happens when he's six.

He wakes up just shortly after midnight, calling for his mother from under his blankets and of course, she's at his side almost immediately. She flicks the bedroom light on and sits down at his side, stoking his damp blonde hair, frowning down at him. "What is it, honey? A bad dream?"

Erwin nods, and she leans down, wiping the tears from his face. "You're okay," She coos softly, pulling him close, "It was just a dream. I'm here, sweetie."

He's either too young or too scared to tell her about the monster he saw.

* * *

 

At first, the dreams are relatively spread out. He doesn't have them too frequently, or if he does, they're not scary or memorable enough to stick with him. But still, every six months or so, he has a really bad one; one that makes him call out for his mom or dad in the middle of the night. 

When he's eight, he tells his mom about the giants that chase him in his dreams.

"Monsters aren't real, Erwin," She assures in a soft voice, smiling down at him as she pets his hair, "It was just a dream."

But it doesn’t feel like a dream. None of them do.

* * *

 

When Erwin is ten, he starts to realize that the dreams are always the same. Sure, different things happen in them, but he's always in the same place, surrounded by the same scenery and same people. 

Sometimes, the dreams aren't all that scary. Sometimes, he's not even being chased. But slowly, he begins to recognize the houses and buildings. He begins to recognize the faces of the people that he keeps seeing over and over in his dreams. He begins to recognize the walls.

Other times, the dreams are horrific. Other times, he wakes up, screaming, images of a person being eaten alive still etched into his mind. He remembers the faces of the giants, the noises they make, the awful way they smell. Even though not every dream is the same, they're all oddly similar, as if he's watching a movie or a television show.

As if he’s looking through someone else’s eyes.

* * *

 

By the time Erwin turns thirteen, he's lucky if he has more than four _normal_ dreams a week. Instead, it seems like the majority of them are full of the terrifying giants and the same few people. 

By the time he's thirteen, he can vividly remember some of the people from his dreams when he closes his eyes.

One of them is a woman with brown hair and glasses, always laughing - always excited - even in the dreams that Erwin wakes up screaming from. When he wakes, he can't quite remember her name, but by the time he's thirteen, it feels like she's someone he should know. The same goes for the man with the shaggy blonde hair and facial hair. Though Erwin has a few friends at school, sometimes he feels that the blonde man in his dreams knows him better than they do.

And then there's the shorter man with the black hair and the permanent scowl etched onto his face. He's in almost every single one of Erwin's dreams, even from the beginning. He's always by his side, always fighting, running along with him.

By the time he's thirteen, Erwin can remember _his_ name, and his name only. Nobody else from his dreams sticks out as much as him.

Nobody sticks out quite as much as Levi.

* * *

 

When he turns fourteen, Erwin's mother sends him to a therapist.

"It's not normal for you to have dreams like this, Erwin," She says, even when he insists that he's fine, "And therapy could be good for you. After all, he's one of the best therapists in New York."

Truthfully, she's been worried about him since he was ten and she began to realize that the dreams were always the same, always like clockwork. But the final straw comes when he starts to have the dreams up to four times a week. Truthfully, that’s why they spend months searching for the right therapist for Erwin. Because they’re scared.

The dreams begin cutting into his social life. Though Erwin is a great student - partially due to his parents investing the money to send him to a private high school and partially because he’s just a bright kid - he doesn't have many friends, and his mother starts to realize that it may be due to the dreams and his _imaginary friends_ , as she calls them. When he comes home from school, he goes straight to his room where he either writes or draws, and only really comes out when he needs to. When she finds his journal, it’s all about those dreams and the giants and those people. Every single page.

"Why don't you tell me about these dreams you're having, Erwin," His therapist says, only three questions into their first session together. Erwin sits in the chair across from him, legs crossed, always composed. He glances around the room - at all of the awards on the wall - and almost rolls his eyes. He wonders how much money his parents are shelling out on this guy. Not that it matters, it’s probably like pocket change to them, but still…

"What about them?" He eventually asks reluctantly. 

His therapist - Dr. Shapiro - cocks his head to the side slightly, scribbling something down before asking, "Do you remember when they first started?"

"Around when I was five."

He raises his eyebrows, writing something else. "And what do the dreams usually consist of?"

Erwin takes a deep breath. Though sometimes, he wants to talk about the dreams - wants someone to listen to him and tell him he's not crazy - right now is not one of those times. The clipboard makes him nervous. The therapist makes him nervous. He's not crazy. The dreams don't make him crazy. But he’s certain that anything he tells the man sitting across from him with all of the diplomas and awards will make him seem that way.

Still, he answers, deciding that he'll be found out if he lies, certain that his mother has already filled Dr. Shapiro in on everything.

"Mostly, giants."

"Giants?" He asks, and suddenly, Erwin feels small like a child again. The way the therapist asks the question reminds him of how his mother would ask when he was little.

_“Giants? Oh, honey, don’t be silly. Giants aren’t real.”_

"Yes," He replies, "Giant people. They usually range from fifteen to over a hundred feet tall."

Dr. Shapiro nods, writing as he listens. "And what do the giants do?"

"They eat people," Erwin answers without hesitation. When he closes his eyes - even for a moment - he can see them clearly. Can remember the way they move, the way they smell. He doesn't, however, for fear of being seen by the therapist. The last thing he needs is for this man to think he’s having hallucinations as well.

"And why do they eat people?" Dr. Shapiro asks without skipping a beat.

"I don't know," Erwin answers honestly, shrugging, "Nobody does."

" _Nobody_?" Dr. Shapiro looks up at that. His hand stops moving across the paper.

_Shit._

Erwin is silent. He refuses to make the first move.

"What do you mean by _nobody_?" He presses, voice gentle, "Are there other people in these dreams?"

Erwin lets out a deep breath, “Yeah.”

“Do you know them?”

"No," Erwin replies quickly, but by the way that the therapist looks at him, he doesn't buy it. He sighs. "Well, not really."

"What do you mean?"

Erwin closes his eyes for a moment, remembering the people - his _friends_ in his dreams. He's told his parents about them, but only the essentials - only that there are reoccurring people in his dreams. He's never shared anything about them.

"Erwin," Dr. Shapiro says, cutting his thoughts short, "It's okay. You can trust me."

With his eyes closed, those words echo ones he remembers Levi saying in his dreams -

_"It's okay, Erwin, I've got you. Trust me."_

\- and it leaves him with no other choice than to open them, willing the memory away.

 _Memory_ , as if it's something that's really happened.

"There are people in my dreams," Erwin says, "They're in almost every single dream. The same people. But I don’t _know_ them. Not really."

"And what do they do?" He asks, voice genuinely curious even as he resumes writing.

Erwin clears his throat. "They uh, they help me fight the titans - _er_ \- giants."

" _Titans_ ," Dr. Shapiro says, glancing up, "Is that what they're called?"

"Yes," Erwin says. Internally, he's kicking himself for saying too much. He sounds crazy, now. He knows it.

"And you can remember these people from your dreams vividly?"

Erwin can't help but be a little impressed. Despite everything he's said, the therapist hasn't missed a beat. "Some of them," He answers truthfully, "Yes."

"Can you describe them to me?" He asks.

Erwin nods. And though he doesn't want to, he answers. "There's one woman, probably in her mid-twenties or early thirties. She has brown hair and glasses."

"Do you remember what she's like?"

Erwin closes his eyes, remembering her. Remembering the way she threw her head back in one dream, laughing even as they were chased on horseback by a few titans. Even in the more terrifying dreams, she's always excited, always smiling, wide-eyed and curious.

"She's always very happy," Erwin answers shortly. For some reason, he can't help but feel a little violated as he describes her to him. Maybe it’s because she’s special to him. She’s not there for him to share with his mom or dad or therapist.

"Do you know her name?" He asks.

"No."

"Any others?"

Erwin thinks for a moment, fists clenching in his lap. He hadn't excepted his reaction to someone asking about the people from his dreams to be like this. It’s almost as if he feels the need to protect them. He doesn't want to lie, but at the same time...

"No."

It's quiet for a few long moments, and when Erwin finally meets the eyes of Dr. Shapiro, he can tell that he doesn't buy it. And as if on cue, the man sighs from across the room, setting his clipboard down on the small glass table next to his chair.

"Erwin," He says calmly, coolly, leaning forward, "I can't help you if you're not honest with me."

And though Erwin wants to leave - he doesn't want to talk about this anymore - he takes a deep breath and nods. His body feels tight, wound like a spring, fists clenched at his sides as if preparing to fight.

"Good," Dr. Shapiro says, leaning back in his seat again, "Are they any other people that you can remember vividly?"

Erwin swallows hard. "Yeah."

Dr. Shapiro motions for him to go on.

"There's a man about the same age as the woman," He answers, and even as he talks, his palms begin to feel clammy. He uncrosses and re-crosses his legs, fidgeting. "He's short, has black hair."

"Anything else?" Dr. Shapiro pushes.

Erwin doesn't want to continue - he feels violated, speaking about him - but he does. "He's in almost every single dream," He mutters, making the mistake of closing his eyes. He can see him, flying along his side through the trees, gazing at him from across a long dining room table, sparing him a quick smile in passing...

"Can you remember his name?"

The question shakes Erwin out of his thoughts. His eyes snap open and he stares, frozen at the therapist sitting across from him.

He knows his name. Of course he knows his name. It's the only one he can remember.

" _Erwin_ ," Dr. Shapiro asks, concerned, "Are you alright?"

And without hesitation, Erwin breathes, " _Levi._ His name is Levi."


	2. I Still Find Pieces of You in the Back of My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You filled up my glass,_   
> _with promises that could never last_   
> _And I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind"_

By the time Erwin is fifteen, he's come to accept the dreams as a normal part of his life. More often times than not, he's not even effected by the dreams when he wakes up in the morning. Some of them are repeats, similar to ones he's already had before. Others are just little moments, small snippets of unimportant things between other dreams.

By the time he's fifteen, he's still seeing a therapist. He's not really certain what his parents expect to get out of it - he's been seeing Dr. Shapiro for almost a year now, so often that he doesn't even keep a journal anymore - and he's never heard anything about any of his sessions. In fact, they become easier. He goes in once a week and talks about his dreams and that's it.

Or well, he thinks.

One evening, while waiting for his mother to pay Dr. Shapiro so they can head home, he accidentally overhears a conversation between the two them. And while he doesn't mean to - he's not really one for eavesdropping - he can't help but listen in, catching the end of the conversation.

"He still doesn't have any friends in school," He hears his mom say, as if it's a problem. It's not entirely true, either. He doesn't necessarily have _friends_ , but he's not some loner either. He has acquaintances - people he says hello to in class or in the hallway - but he just simply doesn't feel the need to befriend them. He never has.

"That is to be expected," Dr. Shapiro replies calmly, "There's nothing particularly _wrong_ with it, but it may just be hard for Erwin to make meaningful connections with his peers."

"Is this because of the-" She starts, but stops when Dr. Shapiro answers.

"Yes, I believe the dreams have something to do with it. I can prescribe him something, but I can’t guarantee if it will help things. More than likely, it will just numb them slightly."

Erwin swallows hard at that. He doesn’t want medication. He doesn’t want to be _fixed…_

That evening, he overhears his mother in the kitchen, crying to his dad-

_"What if he never gets married? We'll never have grandchildren!"_

_-_ and decides it's best if he says nothing to them about the dreams anymore.

* * *

 

Even with everything - _a troubled childhood_ , as his mother would call it later down the road - Erwin eventually graduates high school at the top of his class. He receives a full ride scholarship - not that he needs it, with his family’s money - to a liberal arts school in upstate New York. And while his parents insist that he go somewhere better - 

_"You could get into any school, Erwin, why are you settling?"_

\- he stays in state. And while it disappoints his parents, they still support him. They always will.

By the time Erwin is eighteen and out of high school, he has his own apartment close to campus and is going to school full time.

He dreams of the titans and Levi and everyone else almost every single night. By the time Erwin is eighteen, it's normal. He doesn't even think twice about the dreams, save for new ones, which happen very rarely. In his spare time, he'll sometimes sketch pictures of the people and titans and places that he can remember.

By the time that he's eighteen, things feel easier. It's as if he can breathe. Maybe it's being away from the worried glances from his parents when he'd wake up in the morning or maybe it's finally being free from pointless therapy, but things finally start to feel right.

Though sometimes, he can't shake the feeling that something big is looming on the horizon.

* * *

 

On the morning of his twenty-first birthday, Erwin rolls out of bed late. When he glances at the clock, it's just after eleven-fifteen and he groans, rolling over. His head throbs. 

While he had insisted they didn't have to, some of his friends - or, close acquaintances, as his mother would call them - had taken him out at midnight, hell bent on getting _some_ alcohol in him before the bars closed. And while he hadn't really wanted to - he just didn't feel like the bar scene was _him_ – he had agreed.

So on the morning of his twenty-first birthday, Erwin doesn't roll out of bed until nearly eleven-thirty, rubbing his head and grabbing some aspirin from out of the bathroom on his way to the kitchen to make himself some coffee. On the morning of his twenty-first birthday, he doesn't remember his dreams from the night before. He makes a mental note of that as he turns the coffee machine on, wondering if it was because he simply _didn't_ dream, or if it's because he was too drunk to remember.

He scratches at the back of his neck, glancing at the clock on the wall. _Eleven-forty_. He's supposed to meet his parents for dinner back home - an hour away - around five, and still needs to get ready and run errands beforehand. He groans. _This_ is why he doesn't drink.

Erwin eventually decides that he should call his parents and let them know that he might be running a little late, but just as he turns to make his way back to his bedroom to grab his phone, a sharp pain shoots through his head. It’s enough to send him to his knees, even though he grips onto the kitchen counter for support, and before he even has the chance to wonder if it's just the hangover or if there's something seriously wrong with him, the room starts spinning, his vision going fuzzy. And then-

_And then he sees him._

_The image is clear as day. The memory as if it happened yesterday. Levi soars over him, all confidence and scowl and perfect control of his 3D maneuver gear. He disappears just as fast as Erwin sees him, and with a couple of words to Mike - and a couple other members of the survey corps - he's following close after him._

_The memory shifts, and everything is dark for a moment until his eyes adjust._

_Levi is on his knees in front of him, face caked in grime and dirt and blood. Mike - Erwin suddenly remembers his name, looking down at him - holds him by his hair, forcing him to look up, and Erwin hears himself - his own voice, his own mouth - speak._

_"What's your name?"_

_The small form in front of him trembles, gasping for air for a few seconds before rasping out, "It's Levi."_

_"Levi," He hears himself - no - he_ says _thoughtfully. This isn't a dream. He isn't hearing himself speak or watching himself move, he's remembering it. He's reliving it._

_He takes a few steps forward before kneeling._

_"Won't you make a deal with me?"_

_And before Levi can rasp anything else out - before Erwin can really get used to everything happening so quickly - things go black again._

He feels sick, dizzy, but when he reaches out to grasp something, he doesn't feel anything underneath his fingers. He tries again, reaching his hand out to hold onto anything to bring him back to reality, and then he feels it.

_The bark of the tree is rough on his hands. And before his vision returns, Erwin can smell the crisp, cool summer night, the fresh scent of the tall tree beneath him._

_Beneath, because - as his vision returns - he realizes that he's sitting on a tree branch, a good ten meters in the air._

_It's dark where he sits, but the rolling hills and old buildings out in front of him are illuminated by a full moon. It's a breathtaking sight._

_Suddenly, without warning, Levi is swinging effortlessly up the tree, landing next to Erwin on the branch._

_"Beautiful, isn't it?" He says, glancing up, watching as Levi decides to take a seat next to him, close, but not too close. He's cautious, high strung, body stiff._

_Levi snorts. "If you're into that sort of thing."_

_"You should see the mountains," Erwin says, as if Levi hadn't just dismissed him, "They're really something."_

_And even though Levi is obviously trying to keep the wall up - keep himself guarded - he can't help the way his eyebrows raise for a split second before masking it again. "Shouldn't you be keeping watch instead of sight-seeing?"_

_"I can do a little bit of both," Erwin replies simply, gaze returning to the moonlit horizon._

_Levi just scoffs in response, but doesn't say anything. Instead, he shakes his right hand out, lifting it up to inspect it, pinching at the meat between his thumb and forefinger. He winces, obviously in pain, but applies more pressure._

_"Let me see," Erwin offers, holding out his own hand._

_"I'm fine," Levi spits, shaking his hand out again. He goes to pull away, but not before Erwin reaches out quickly, grabbing him by the wrist._

_"Oi!" Levi hisses, attempting to pull back, "Let go of me!"_

_Erwin ignores his request and instead presses his own thumb into the palm of Levi's hand. The smaller man tenses immediately, but Erwin doesn't let up, rubbing his thumb in small circles, pressing especially hard on the pressure point between his thumb and finger. Levi squirms next to him, opening his mouth to say something else, but Erwin speaks first._

_"You're sore from the new gear," He remarks, turning Levi's hand over in his own, "The stuff you had been using was over five years old. We upgraded it last year."_

_"Don't know why. Mine worked perfectly," Levi mutters, though Erwin can feel him start to relax into his touch. He holds out his hand for Levi's left one, and he only hesitates for a moment before giving it to him._

_"They hold more blades," Erwin answers, looking up at him, "And they're meant to last longer."_

_Levi glances away at the first sign of eye contact, though he only offers a small "humph" as an argument, still allowing Erwin to massage his hands._

_When Erwin eventually releases him, he stands, readying himself to go back to camp. Erwin doesn't say anything, deciding to let Levi go in peace - he's probably had enough conversation to last him a week - and he's surprised when Levi actually speaks up before leaving._

_"The mountains," He says, gazing out over the rolling fields and trees, "What are they like?"_

_Erwin smiles fondly before replying, "Beautiful."_

_And if it weren't for the fact that he was already looking up at him, he would have missed the faint smile on Levi's face before he leaps out of the tree._

* * *

 

When Erwin comes to, he's laying on his side, face pressed into the cold tile of his kitchen floor. He can distantly hear his phone ringing in the other room, but he doesn't get up. He can't. It takes him a few moments to really wake up from where he lies, just barely blinking his eyes open. 

When he sits up, the room spins slightly and he has to take a moment - and a few deep breaths - before mustering up the courage to reach up and hold on to the kitchen counter, pulling himself up into a standing position. He leans against the counter, trying to get his bearings straight before reaching up, running a shaky, clammy hand through his hair.

He's seen Levi and the titans and bits and pieces of those moments before, but never so vividly. Never so full.

And _never_ while he's been awake.

He glances at the clock, expecting a lot of time to have gone by, but when he looks at it, it reads 11:42. Only two minutes - if even that - passed while he was on the kitchen floor.

When he blinks, he can still see Levi, sitting next to him in the tree, eyebrows pulled together, watching him.

He shakes his head, trying to get rid of the images, but they linger. The kitchen spins around him and he has to grip onto the counter again just to keep his balance. His stomach suddenly feels sick, knees weak, and before he can do anything about it, he’s leaning over the sink and vomiting. And while he recovers, turning the faucet on to wash it away, he can’t help but wonder if it’s from drinking or something else.

But he remembers the feel of the cool summer air on his skin. Remembers how his gear felt, strapped tight across his back and chest, down his thighs and calves. He remembers the way that Levi had looked at him with pure _hatred_ in his eyes, kneeling in front of him in the capital on the day they met.

_Remembers_.

Erwin shakes his head. "That's ridiculous..." He mutters to himself.

He can't _remember_ those things, because they didn't happen. They were just dreams. That was just...

What _was_ it? An episode? He had blacked out, but he doesn't _feel_ any different. He doesn't feel sick.

He shakes his head again, taking a shaky step toward his bedroom.

Still, all he can see are Levi’s eyes, looking back at him.


	3. You Were a Moment in Life That Comes and Goes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"You were a moment in life that comes and goes_   
> _A riddle, a rhyme that no one knows_   
> _A change of a heart, a twist of fate_   
> _Couldn't fix it, it's too late"_

Despite his _episode_ , so to speak, Erwin still makes it home to have dinner with his parents that evening. He doesn't leave his house until he has to, though, and puts off running errands in favor for sitting in his room, running over the events of his dream -

_dream, vision, memory, whatever it was_

\- in his head.

He's unsure if he should even mention it to anybody, let alone his parents. He didn't have any signs of a seizure or any other kind of attack, yet he still ended up lying on his kitchen floor. And that's kind of serious, _right_?

Either way, he doesn't call his doctor and he doesn't mention it to his parents when he walks in the door that evening, greeting them with a smile and hugs.

Still, his mother seems to notice something is off.

"Erwin," She says softly, pulling him off to the side as his father goes to start the car, "Are you alright?"

His eyebrows pull together - _is it really that bad?_ \- before he shrugs it off, answering, "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

She cocks her head to the side, as if she doesn't quite believe it. "You just seem off," She remarks.

And while she's right, he has felt pretty distant - unattached, not all there - since the incident that morning, he just shrugs again. "I went out last night with some friends," He supplies, "Didn't get much sleep."

And at that, she drops it, actually smiling at his answer. Any mention of _friends_ pretty much does the trick nowadays. He doesn't mention, as they walk out to the car, that all he can think about is _Levi_ , and the strange feeling that he's lived his dreams before.

The restaurant that they take him to is beautiful. It's some expensive Mongolian place that he's never been to, and while it's a little _too much_ for Erwin - his family always goes all out - his parents insist that he order whatever he wants. And even in the nice dress shirt and tie that he's wearing, he still feels out of place.

Still, he orders a drink - he _is_ twenty-one now, so why not? - and whatever the waiter recommends for him to eat.

The conversation at dinner is mostly filled with his parents asking him about school, about his classes and his friends and how everything is going. They ask him about his major and why he changed it to History, and his mom compliments him on his new hair cut, telling him that he looks more mature with it slicked back.

Erwin doesn't remark that it's the way his hair looks in his dreams - that he did it himself - and she doesn't ask him about it. In fact, his family doesn't even so much as bring up the dreams since he got out of high school. They haven’t in years, and Erwin is strangely thankful for it, especially that night. Especially after everything that happened that morning, and everything that's still on his mind.

Before the food reaches the table, and just shortly after Erwin orders his second drink, he excuses himself to the restroom. It's not that he has to go, or even feels the need to wash his hands, it's just that suddenly, his chest feels tight, fingers numb. It's right after his father says something about taking a trip for Christmas and right before his mom suggests that he brings a friend.

He stands, pushing his chair back in place, and takes a couple of steps forward, away from the table before it hits him again.

And when it hits him, it happens fast and without warning. Erwin doesn't even have a chance to grab onto anything for stability before the sharp pain is ripping through his head. It starts at his temple, slicing up and over his forehead and back down and across to where his head meets his neck, and before his knees even hit the floor - before he even hears the scratching of a chair, followed by his mother calling his name - everything starts to spin, then goes suddenly and horrifyingly black.

_And then for a moment - just before Erwin's eyes adjust - everything is white._

_When he can finally see, he quickly realizes that he's standing out by the stables. It's just before sunset – the light casts a beautiful orange hue on everything around him - and Levi stands before him, arms crossed, eyes hard._

_"You wanted to see me?" He asks, tone harsh, even slightly annoyed. Erwin feels a little bit of anger bubble up at that - he should reprimand him for talking to him like that - but he swallows it. He doesn't say anything. Honestly, he's just glad that Levi is alive. Though he doesn't say that. Not yet._

_"What was that stunt you pulled back there?" He asks, crossing his own arms in return._

_"What stunt?" Levi spits back, playing dumb._

_"You went off on your own," Erwin supplies, "You broke formation. You went against my direct orders."_

_Levi just shrugs. He even throws a small eye-roll in there. But he doesn't say anything in response._

_"You could have gotten yourself - you could have gotten my men killed!" Erwin exclaims, finally getting angry. He's sick of Levi acting like a child. Sick of him so willingly attempting to throw his life away._

_"But I didn't," Levi argues. His tone remains even, quiet, "Actually, if I recall correctly, I saved their lives."_

_Erwin reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose, frustrated. Levi is right. Even though he had broken formation, leaping off of his horse and soaring in the direction of the other half of the squad through the trees - despite Erwin’s orders not to - he had successfully brought down the fifteen meter deviant that more than likely would have killed the entire left side of the squad, given the chance._

_But at the same time, it was stupid. It was stupid and reckless, and had he failed he just would have been one of the many fatalities that the titan would have caused. Erwin knows why he did it, too. Ever since Farlan and Isabelle's deaths, Levi had been more than willing to throw himself in the line of danger. More than willing to throw his life away if it meant avenging them or ridding himself of the guilt that he carried._

_It was also for that reason that Levi had become such a great fighter, such a great asset over the past few months_.  
  
 _"Yet you're so willing to throw yours away," Erwin says at last._

_Levi's eyes narrow more, if that's possible. "Cut the act, Erwin," He bites, "It's not like you fucking care."_

_"I do," Erwin says shortly, "I care about all of you-"_

_"And that’s why you've knowingly sent how many men to their deaths?" Levi spits, "Admit it, I'm not any different. None of us are."_

_"You are," Erwin breaths without hesitation, "And you're much more useful to me - to yourself - alive than dead."_

_Levi opens his mouth to speak, more than likely to spit out some other sarcastic, cynical remark, but Erwin speaks first, stopping him._

_"I'm glad you're alive, Levi," He says, before he has a chance to think about it, "And I'm glad you disobeyed me. Just... Don't do it again."_

_And he half expects another sarcastic remark, something along the lines of "aww, you do care", and he gets one it’s just... not quite what he expected._

_The corner of Levi's mouth quirks up into a tiny smirk and he finally uncrosses his arms, in favor of holding them out slightly. "Well, are you going to just look at me like that, or are you going to kiss me?"_

_And while the question catches Erwin off guard, and while if it were any other person, he'd reprimand them and tell them to get back to their quarters, he can't say that he hasn't thought about it. He can’t say that he doesn’t want to. So, instead of remaining angry, instead of yelling at Levi any longer, he takes a step forward, one hand reaching up to tilt Levi's chin up slightly, and kisses him, soft and sound on the lips._

_He feels Levi arch up, standing up on his toes to return the kiss before pulling away, eyes still closed, lips lingering for just a moment. When he does open his eyes, however, it's to the sight of Levi scrunching his nose, looking him up and down and frowning._

_"You're dirty," He mutters, and Erwin can't help but crack a small smile._

_"So are you."_

_And at that, Levi is reaching up, catching him by his bolo tie and pulling him down for another kiss._

For a moment, Erwin can hear the sound of feet shuffling, of people talking in hushed voices, yelling-

_"Give him some room!"_

For a moment, he can hear his father-

_"Let me through, that's my son!"_

And he reaches out, trying to grasp onto something, anything to anchor him back home, but then things go black again, and another surge of pain slices through his head.

_The memories are quick for a moment, like watching a slideshow of images in his head._

_One moment, he's looking down at Levi's face underneath him. He's naked - they both are - and Levi's face is scrunched up in pleasure, arms pinned above his head by Erwin's hands._

_"Erwin," He gasps, voice soft, breathy, so unlike Levi, "Please-"_

_And then that memory is gone, fading into another one._

_Levi's next to him on horseback, racing through a big, open field. When Erwin glances around, he quickly realizes that it's just the two of them. They're alone - no titans, no scouts - and at the realization, Erwin's mouth twists up into a small smile._

_To his surprise, Levi looks up at that same moment, mimicking Erwin's expression. He throws his head back, hair blowing in the wind, and lets out one small, carefree laugh._

_It's a good day._

_The memories blur together again, into one of Levi angrily slamming the door behind him as he exits Erwin’s office, to Erwin cupping his face and pressing a soft, apologetic kiss on his lips. The memories move quick, but not one is more important than the other. For a moment, he sees Levi, hanging onto a branch of a tall tree, glancing up at him, waiting for a command, then that image is transforming to Levi - with all the grace and ferocity in the world - soaring up and slicing straight through a titan's nape, as if it's nothing._

_Levi, standing up on his toes to place a quick, fleeting kiss on his lips before embarking on his first journey alone, without his Commander. Levi, young and angry and furious, screaming at him - "you knew they were going to die and you didn't do anything to stop it!"_

_Levi, wishing him well on an expedition without him._

For a split second, Erwin's dreams - his memories - are interrupted by the sound of high-pitched sirens, of people talking around him in hushed voices, and while he attempts to reach out for help once more, he feels nothing but air beneath his fingers.

And again, with a sharp pain, everything goes black, as if his mind isn't ready to wake up.

_When his vision returns to normal, he immediately remembers the scene before him._

_Levi stands in the doorway of the bedroom, frozen on the spot, expression unchanging but eyes fixed on the empty space on the right side of Erwin's body. Eyes fixed on the place where his arm should be._

_He doesn't say anything at first. Doesn't even move at first. He calmly shuts the door behind himself, but he doesn't cross the room. He doesn't tell Erwin how happy he is that he's alive and he doesn't tell him how angry he is that he got himself into such a stupid situation. He doesn't even remark on how awful the bloodied bandage on his arm looks, or that it probably needs to be changed._

_Instead, he just stands there, low eyes fixed on Erwin, and doesn't say a word._

_Erwin doesn't speak either - weather it's because he's too exhausted or because he's terrified of what might come out, he's unsure._

_Thankfully, Levi is eventually the first to speak. Erwin's uncertain of how much time passes, but then suddenly, Levi is pushing off of the closed door and walking across the room, only stopping to grab Erwin's jacket before approaching the bed._

_"Pixis should be here soon," He says, helping Erwin lift his good arm - his only arm - first, draping his military issue jacket over his shoulder, foregoing helping him put his arm through it. "You might as well look the part."_

_"What part is that?" Erwin asks roughly, watching as Levi walks quickly around to the other side of his bed._

_"I don't know," Levi grumbles, "War hero or something - lift up -" He helps Erwin lean forward, draping the other side of the jacket around his right side._

_"I mean, you look like shit," He adds, stepping back after making sure that the jacket is going to stay, "You might as well have your uniform on."_

_Erwin manages a small smile, looking up at Levi from where he sits, propped up against the bed frame. "Levi-"_

_But before he has the chance to get anything out - before he even has the chance to apologize for getting himself hurt - Levi is speaking again._

_"I'm glad you're okay," He murmurs, voice just barely above a whisper. Erwin hears it, though, of course he does, and Levi knows it. He says the words as if he only wants Erwin to hear them. They're meant for Erwin and nobody else._

_"When I heard something happened-" He starts, cutting himself off before he has the chance to say anything too emotional, too embarrassing, "Well, you know."_

_"I know," Erwin murmurs in response. Levi stands awkwardly at the foot of his bed, and after a moment of watching him sway back and forth on the balls of his feet, he lifts his left hand, patting the bed and motioning for him to sit down. And while Levi would probably normally make a joke at that, he doesn't. Instead, he crosses the room, sitting gently next to Erwin's good side._

_"I'm sorry," Erwin mutters, "I didn't mean to worry you."_

_"You always worry me," Levi replies, allowing his usually tough demeanor - his mask - to drop slightly. He leans down at that, brushing Erwin's hair out of his face enough to press a quick kiss to his forehead. He lingers for just a moment, his other hand cupping Erwin's chin, pulling his face up for a proper kiss before sighing out against his lips._

_"I'm shaving you before I leave," He mutters, lips brushing Erwin's, "I can't do the beard."_

_Erwin chuckles softly against him._

For a moment, Erwin can feel the soft hand gripping his own. For a moment - just a split second - his dreams, memories are interrupted by that touch. By the sound of a voice, soft and worried -

“Please be okay… Please…”

And he wants to rasp something out in response, but he can’t. Instead, his vision is going white again and the touch and the voice both disappear.

* * *

 

_The memory is a long one. It's long and sad and terrifying and Erwin knows how it ends - he knows all too well - yet no matter how hard he tries, he has to watch it. Has to relive it all over again._

_He has to relive the tense ride out of the gates, the worried look that Levi shoots him when he takes his reins in one hand, leading the group off to the north. He had insisted on one final mission, one more before giving it up completely, as if to prove to himself and his soldiers that he could do it. That even with one arm, he could lead them to victory._

_He and Levi argued earlier in the day, and he has to relive that too. He has to relive Levi's angry stare, has to relive him insisting that he doesn't have to go back out there -_

_"You've been on half a dozen missions since you lost your arm, you can sit one out, Erwin. They won't think any less of you."_

_\- but for some reason, he feels that he has something to prove._

_So still, even though he knows it's coming, and though if he could, he'd do anything within his power to stop it, he has to relive the vicious attack on his squad. It's the beast titan that leads it - that orders the other ones to descend upon them - and while the scouts are good, some of the newer ones even great now, they're no match against a good thirty titans, surrounding them on all sides._

_Erwin promptly orders them to retreat, and while many of his men - including Eren, Mikasa and many of the newest recruits - escape, when Erwin scans the horizon, taking a mental note of those still alive, he doesn't see Levi. His heart plummets to his stomach, fear splintering throughout his entire body, and he turns, trying to find someone - anyone - who can help._

_He spies Hanji first, a few meters away, racing her horse between massive legs and grabbing hands. For the first time in a long time, she looks very, very serious, head down, eyes narrowed. Erwin weaves his horse in and out of titan's legs until he's riding next to her._

_"Have you seen Levi?" He shouts, over the sound of their horses hooves hammering on the ground, wind whipping through their hair._

_Hanji spares him a wide-eyed, worried glance. "I saw his horse," She replies, voice grim, "Behind us, to the left."_

_She doesn't have to say any more for Erwin to understand what she means. The horse is dead and Levi - well, Levi is nowhere to be found. He makes a quick decision, getting ready to turn his horse around._

_"Hanji, lead everyone back to safety," He calls._

_Her eyes widen, "Commander-"_

_"That's an order," He says, voice stern, even though his throat feels thick, sticky. Distantly, he wonders if it's the last one he'll make. "You know what to do."_

_And then before she has a chance to argue, he's pulling his horse off to the left without so much as a glance over his shoulder. She won't follow him, he knows it. Hanji may be reckless, but she's not stupid. And above all, she's loyal. She'll obey his orders._

_Levi's horse is easy to spot, a black lump in the grass, left untouched by the titans. Just as he suspected, it's dead, lying on its side, but thankfully - or so Erwin hopes - Levi is nowhere to be seen. He doesn't lie underneath her body, crushed by her weight, and from what Erwin can see, as he does a loop around the animal before riding back in the direction in which he came, there's no blood in the grass. No trace of a fight or a causality._

_Erwin quickly finds himself maneuvering through the titans again, eyes on the sky, searching - praying - for Levi._

_Thankfully, it doesn't take long for him to spot his form, small and low, soaring through the air between the beasts. Erwin watches, closing in on him, as he takes down a ten meter class with ease, nearly missing the grasp of another titan before slicing its fingers off._

_"Levi!" Erwin bellows, once he's close enough to yell, "Turn back, we need to retreat!"_

_Levi glances down at him for a split second, and thankfully he nods, beginning to make his way toward him. Erwin knows that he plans on jumping on the back of his horse and he prepares for it. It'll slow them down, but not by much. And Erwin knows his horse. He's fast and agile. Even with the two of them on his back, they should be able to make it back safely, especially with Erwin's riding abilities and Levi's fighting skills._

_Levi descends, swinging around the back of one titan and between the legs of another, and somehow - with grace and precision - lands on the back of Erwin's horse, just in time to wrap one arm around his waist._

_"What would I do without you, you big oaf?" Levi teases, adjusting to tighten his grip on Erwin._

_And that's when Erwin makes his mistake. He turns his head, glancing over his shoulder at Levi for just one split second - relief rushing over him in waves - and then suddenly, everything goes black._

_For a moment, all he can hear is the sound of hoof beats and the loud, tell-tale noise of titans running in their direction. For a moment, he can't feel anything, can't see anything._

_And then, in a split second, it all comes rushing back to him. Levi's voice comes first._

_"Erwin!" He screams, "Erwin wake up! Look at me!"_

_The pain comes second._

_And while he blinks his eyes, willing himself to do as he's told, it takes a moment for his vision to return. At first, everything is bright white. Eventually, it all starts to blur together, but then he sees Levi, hunched over on top of him._

_"Erwin," Levi breaths, eyes wide. He looks worried, and when he reaches forward, Erwin realizes his hands are shaking._

_When Erwin attempts to sit up, he quickly realizes that he can't. He looks down at his body, at his horse, lying lifeless across his legs, and immediately knows that he won't be getting up. That he won't be getting out of here alive. He can see blood - his blood - oozing out over the green grass. He feels light-headed._

_The realization hits him fast, but not as hard as he expected. He's going to die in this field._

_"Hey," He manages to rasp out, reaching up with his good arm to touch Levi's face, "Levi, I'm here. I'm right here."_

_Levi closes his eyes tightly in response, leaning into the touch. "I know."_

_"It's okay," Erwin breathes, though it isn't. He knows it isn't. "It's going to be okay." He can't sit up - can't look over Levi's shoulder - but he knows that they're not alone. Knows that not all of the titans are gone._

_"You're bleeding," Levi breaths, looking down at him. He reaches out to touch him, but doesn't. Instead, his shaking hand just hovers over his body, as if he's unsure of what to do._

_"I know," Erwin murmurs in response, "It's okay."_

_"Erwin-"_

_"You need to get out of here," He says before Levi has a chance to say anything, "You need to help the others get back safely."_

_Levi closes his eyes tightly again, face twisting up in anguish. "I can't," He mutters._

_"Levi, you can't stay here-"_

_"I can't go!" Levi yells back, then quieter, "My gear was broken in the fall. Even if it wasn't, I wouldn't leave you."_

_"Levi-"_

_"No," He mutters, shaking his head, "No, I'm not leaving you here, Erwin. I won't."_

_And just like that, Erwin knows that he won't win. He won't convince Levi to leave. In that moment, Erwin knows that they're both going to die there, like this. He closes his eyes._

_His chest feels tight, but it's not at the realization of his own demise. It's of Levi's. Levi, Humanity's Strongest. Levi, the quick-witted, sharp-tongued thug that he had found in the gutters almost fifteen years ago now. Levi, the man he'd managed to fall in love with, despite all odds. Despite the awful circumstances of their lives._

_"Levi-"_

_"No," Levi mutters. He leans down, draping his arms out over Erwin's body, pressing his head against his chest, "Don't you say it. Don't you dare."_

_And though Erwin isn't sure what he doesn't want to hear - I'm sorry, I wish I could have done better for you, I love you - he listens. Instead, he doesn't say anything. Instead, he just allows his fingers to comb gently through Levi's hair._

_It's silent for a few brief moments, save for the tell-tale_ thud, thud, thud _of footsteps heading in their direction, before Levi speaks again._

_"Find me," He murmurs against Erwin's chest, "In our next life. Find me, Erwin. Please."_

_And without second thought, before he allows himself to worry -_

_What if this is all we get? What if this is it for us?_

_\- He nods his head against the grass, staring up at the clear blue sky._

_"I will," He agrees, "I promise."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my favorite chapter to write, which apparently says a lot about me because it's also the one where I kill them. Haha.  
> But anyway, hope you enjoyed a little bit more backstory into their past life.


	4. Looking For Your Face in the Crowd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I heard you made your way downtown_   
> _to the place that I've been hanging around_   
> _I was looking for your face in the crowd_   
> _but trying to keep my head down"_

When Erwin awakes, it's with a sharp gasp of air, eyes wide open. He sits straight up in bed, ripping the blankets off of himself and throwing them on the ground. They feel too constricting, too tight. Tight, like the feeling of his legs being crushed by his horse, unable to move. Tight, like his chest as he gripped onto Levi, trying not to cry.

He looks around with terrified eyes, gasping for air. His fingers grip the white sheets, and he glances down at his right arm. _His right arm_ , that should be missing, but isn't.

He swings his legs over the side of the bed and attempts to stand, but can't. His knees are weak, too weak to hold his body, and he collapses, almost bringing an entire machine with him.

A door opens across the room and Erwin can hear the sound of feet shuffling - of people running in - and then suddenly, there are hands all over him. He looks up with wide, terrified eyes, to realize that they're nurses and doctors. And though they're talking to him, asking him questions and telling him to remain calm, he ignores them, glancing around the white room.

He belatedly realizes that he's in a hospital room - that there's an IV in his arm and he's attached to multiple beeping machines - and he closes his eyes, sucking in a few sharp, quick breaths, willing himself to remember how he got here. But no matter how hard he tries, no matter how far he searches, all he can see is Levi, his shaking hands and somber eyes.

Erwin manages to calm himself, though, allowing the nurses to help him back into bed. He manages to take a few deep breaths, even as he struggles to remember how he got here.

But still, he can't help the way he quietly mutters out, " _Levi, where is Levi?"_

* * *

 

Over the course of the first hour that he's awake, things slowly start coming back to Erwin. He remembers being at dinner with his parents, remembers going out at midnight with his friends for his birthday. He remembers collapsing on his kitchen floor, and he remembers feeling dizzy at the dinner table, attempting to make it to the bathroom before his legs gave out. 

He remembers the sharp pain in his head and he remembers seeing _Levi_ , clear as day when he closed his eyes.

It's hard and it's confusing and it takes a while for Erwin's mind to wrap around it, because while he remembers College and High School and his parents, he also remembers Levi and Hanji and the titans and the _walls._ And while part of his brain tries to tell him that those are just dreams -

_You've dreamt of those things countless times before. That’s all they are._

\- he doesn't see them as that anymore. No, not when he can see them as clearly as he does when he closes his eyes.

He remembers Levi's kiss and the way he tasted just as vividly as he remembers his favorite home-cooked meal; the lasagna that his mom would always make when he was little. And he remembers the vast fields outside of the walls just as vividly as he remembers going to Times Square with his family for the first time when he was seven.

While he lies in the hospital bed, the memories start to merge together.

Both lives - the one here, in the hospital bed, and the one lifetimes away with _Levi_ \- both seem incredibly real.

Still, when the doctors ask him what the last thing he remembers is, he doesn't tell them _Levi's head on his chest, his hands gripping his shirt and thick, red blood._ He tells them the last thing he remembers _here_ , in this lifetime.

"Getting up from the dinner table," He answers, voice rough.

* * *

 

Erwin learns, over the course of the next few hours, that he's been out for almost three days. He also learns that although he collapsed and blacked out so suddenly, and was out for so long, he didn't show any signs of having a seizure or stroke or any other form of an attack or episode. He decides against telling them about his vivid “dreams” while he was out, and though he should, he decides against telling them that it also happened once before, only more mild, that same morning. 

He's eventually allowed to see his parents, and from the second that they walk into the hospital room, he feels terrible. His mother looks like she hasn't slept in days, and his father wears deep, dark circles under his eyes. They've both been worried - terrified, actually - and he can't help but feel awful for making them feel that way. Though he knows that there was nothing he could have done about it, Erwin still feels terrible.

He feels even more awful after talking to his mother for a few minutes.

"Who's this Levi person?" She asks after she's run out of things to ask and worry about. They've already discussed further treatment, which Erwin shoots down, insisting that if they haven't already found anything, it would be a waste of money to keep looking, and they've already discussed what could have caused his episode, be it stress or exhaustion or a mental disorder. His father leaves to go get something to eat before she asks the question, and it catches Erwin completely off guard.

" _What_?" He breaths, eyebrows pulling together in confusion. Even the mention of Levi's name makes his chest feel tight, and he can actually _hear_ the heart rate monitor speed up just slightly.

"The doctors said that you were asking for someone named Levi when you woke up," She clarifies, cocking her head to the side, "Is he a friend? Do you want me to call him for you or-"

"I have no idea who that is," Erwin lies, even though it pains him to do so. The last thing he wants to do is worry his mom even more by reminding her of the dreams he used to have. The dreams that are slowly becoming more and more of a reality.

* * *

 

Erwin is discharged from the hospital a day later. 

While his parents try to convince him to undergo more tests, insisting that it could be something serious, he doesn't have anything done. Somehow, Erwin knows that there's nothing medically wrong with him. That no matter how hard they try, the doctors won't find anything.

It doesn't mean that he knows the answers to everything. He has absolutely no idea why this happened now - why his mind chose _now_ to kick in, to start remembering things - but he knows that it has nothing to do with his brain or his body.

Before he's even discharged from the hospital, Erwin is certain that they're memories. They're no longer dreams. No, not when he can see Levi's face every time he closes his eyes. Not when he can remember an entire childhood, a completely different life just as vividly as he remembers his own current one.

He's never been one to believe in reincarnation - in past lives - but Erwin can't find any other explanation.

He also can't rid himself of the aching feeling in his chest every time he thinks of Levi. Of their last day together on that field.

* * *

 

Over the next few months, and into the next couple of years, Erwin sees Levi everywhere. 

He sees him in the petite, dark haired girl that works at the coffee shop down the street, when she neatly writes his name on his coffee cup. He sees him in his irritable, scowling US History professor, from where he sits in the back of the room. And of course, he sees him in his dreams. He sees him in the shower when he closes his eyes, hot water rushing over his skin and he sees him when he walks down a crowded, snowy street, scanning every short, dark-haired man for his face.

On that first Christmas after _remembering_ , he sees Levi when he wakes up, lying in bed next to him. Erwin realizes that it's a hallucination - or a dream or _something_ \- but that doesn't make the Levi in his bed look any less real. It doesn't make it feel any less real when he leans in, pressing a soft kiss to his lips and murmuring out _"Happy Birthday."_

It almost drives him insane, but at the same time it doesn't, because for the first time, Erwin _understands_. He finally understands what the dreams meant, why he always felt like he didn't belong, like something was off. And while he physically _aches_ every morning when he doesn't wake up to that pale, scowling face, he can't help but feel like an immense weight has been lifted off of his shoulders.

All of those years going to therapy - years of thinking that he was going crazy - seem meaningless now. Because finally, everything makes sense.

His mother still looks at him like he's something fragile, breakable, when he comes to visit them for holidays, but he doesn't blame her. To her, she's still his little boy, and she wants to fix him. Wants to help him.

To him, he's Erwin Smith, 13th Commander of the Survey Corps. Humanity’s Hope. And while he doesn't feel completely whole - he won't until he finds Levi and fulfills his promise - he feels the strongest he has in years.

* * *

 

Weeks turn into months and months turn into years fairly quickly after Erwin's twenty-first birthday. 

At first they seem to drag on, and every day, Erwin searches out Levi's face in a crowd, hoping by some off chance to spot him. At first, every day that he doesn't find him seems to go by slowly. Every day that he can't kiss him, talk to him, or fall asleep with him feels like hell.

It feels like falling in love all over again, only with someone who doesn't exist.

After the first few months, though, time seems to speed up. Erwin becomes more invested in school - though his grades take a significant drop after _everything_ \- and has significantly less time to spend searching each and every person for Levi's face. After the first few months, Erwin can't help but become more immersed in his _current_ life, rather than dwelling on fixing mistakes of his past one.

Still, every year around his birthday and every year around Christmas, like clockwork, things seem to get stronger. His dreams become more vivid, and it isn't uncommon for him to see bits and pieces of his old life when he closes his eyes, like a movie playing quietly in the background.

By the time he's twenty-four, out of college and working full time at a local restaurant while he searches for a more permanent job, things seem to feel a little hopeless. It's been over three years since he remembered everything, and still, he hasn't found a trace of Levi. He tries searching him out, spending countless hours online looking at every _Levi_ he finds, hoping to find his face in the sea of people, but to no avail.

For the first two years, he opts out of going on his family's annual Christmas vacation - they insist on visiting family in Colorado and going skiing every year - but on the third year, he decides to join them. On the third year, he decides that it's time to stop moping. That if he's meant to find Levi, it'll happen.

So, a few days before Christmas, he gets on a plane with his parents, hoping to get his mind off of things. After all, he hasn't been to Colorado with family in years, and he misses the mountains. More than anything, he misses flying, especially now that he can remember what it's like to be trapped in those walls. He misses being able to look out the window at the land that he's free to travel, free to live on, without being confined by titans or walls.

(In fact, the first summer after he remembers, he makes a trip out to the beach, just to see the ocean. And it's like seeing it again for the first time.)

And while Erwin can't help but feel a little down around Christmas, he forces himself to cheer up and take a vacation with his family. Because he misses the towering peaks and tall trees and open sky.

He just wishes that Levi was there to share it with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's kind of a small chapter, but I promise that the next one is longer and definitely worth the wait (which probably won't be very long because I'm super anxious to post it)


	5. The Crowds in My Heart, They've Been Calling Out Your Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"We don't, we don't need to talk about this now_   
> _Yeah we've been down that road before_   
> _That was then and this is now_
> 
> _The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name_   
> _Now it just don't feel the same_   
> _I guess it's over, yeah we're done"_
> 
>    
>  **A/N:**
> 
> I shamelessly put my home state in this chapter because I really really love Colorado, and when I think gorgeous, romantic places, I think the mountains in the wintertime. 
> 
> And for visualization, here's a couple of pictures of some of the places in this chapter:  
> [The first](https://31.media.tumblr.com/83ba3ef5cf7052194c2c65fdab82795f/tumblr_mzujrbqAiM1rs70ivo1_500.jpg) is the lake (aka, "the most photographed spot in Colorado") that Erwin visits. It's probably one of my favorite places in all of Colorado and it's absolutely gorgeous at sunrise. (It's called [Maroon Bells](http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=maroon+bells+sunrise&s=int), for anyone wondering).
> 
> [The second](https://31.media.tumblr.com/7b2cdc005ff8832b0fb541b7a99a16b5/tumblr_mzujrsOKOO1rs70ivo1_500.jpg) is downtown Aspen around Christmas time, just because it's absolutely gorgeous.
> 
> Okay, enough scenery porn. Enjoy this chapter! It's one of my favorites!

Colorado is beautiful, as always. Erwin's family rents a car once their plane lands in Denver, opting for driving, instead of flying, to his Aunt's place in the mountains for the first time since he was little, and Erwin is silently grateful for it. He's grateful that he gets to watch the trees and cliffs and beautiful, snow covered mountains zoom by, as they make their way through winding mountain roads.

They reach Aspen by the end of their first day in Colorado, and Erwin is silently grateful that they make it there around sunset. As they unpack their things from the rental car, he can't help the way he stares at the beautiful gold-orange light that the sunset casts on the snow and the pine trees and even his Aunt's guest house.

"You look like you've never seen a sunset before," She even remarks as she passes by Erwin, helping them unpack the car.

And maybe it's because it's his first sunset in the mountains since remembering, or maybe it's because the light reminds him of the day that he and Levi first kissed, but either way, he can't help but stare. "I've just missed them here," He murmurs in response, realizing belatedly that he's talking to nobody. Both his parents and Aunt and Uncle are long gone, loading their bags into the house, leaving Erwin alone with his thoughts.

* * *

 

_"They're-" Levi starts, staring wide-eyed off into the distance. The sun is just setting and while it's not the most magnificent sunset, any sunset is beautiful outside of the walls. It's even more beautiful from where they're standing. Because where Erwin and Levi stand, on a high branch in a tall tree, just on the edge of a forest, they can make out the silhouettes of tall mountain peaks off in the distance, illuminated by the sun. They cast long shadows across the hills in front of them as the sun dips below the horizon, and though Erwin has seen the sight a handful of times, it almost renders him just as speechless as it does Levi._

_"Beautiful, huh?" He murmurs softly, barely above a whisper, so as not to ruin the moment._

_Levi doesn't say anything in response, but instead reaches out, his hand finding Erwin's, and intertwines their fingers. They stay like that, silent and still, until the pinks and oranges of the sunset fade out into soft purples and blues, and then eventually grays. Until the shadows of the mountains eventually find them and they can see the soft glow of the small campfire beneath them._

_"Thank you," Levi whispers at last, turning to look up at Erwin once the mountains are no longer distinguishable in the dark night sky._

_"For what?" Erwin asks, returning his gaze._

_Levi smiles, a genuine, warm smile, grip on his hand tightening._

_"For bringing me here," He answers, "For believing in me."_

_"I've always believed in you," Erwin replies, as if it's common sense._

_"I know," Levi murmurs. At that, he leans up on his toes, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. "Thank you."_

_And at that, he's swinging down off of the high branch, leaving Erwin to take first watch._

* * *

 

When Erwin awakes on his first morning in Colorado, he can't help the small whine in his throat at the dream that he leaves behind. Though he knows the rest of the story - he remembers it, just like everything else - he can't help but just wish for a little more time to sleep. To dream it. When he dreams, it's like being there and reliving it again.

And when he awakes on that first morning, he can almost still feel Levi's lips lingering on his cheek, his touch lingering on his hand.

That day, and the next couple of days go by relatively fast.

While Erwin's family - save for his younger cousins - go skiing during the day, he opts for taking the rental car to go sight-seeing in the mountains. His first day, he mostly just stays nearby, scoping out the area, but on his way home, he picks up a trail map and brochure from a local gas station and begins planning the rest of his week.

On the second day, though it's freezing in the morning, he gets up early, taking a short drive to a nearby lake to watch the sunrise. When he'd read " _most photographed spot in the Colorado"_ in the brochure the evening before, he couldn't resist. And while he's only joined by a few brave photographers on the chilly winter morning, it's still worth it, especially when the sun rises over the mountains, casting a purple-ish glow on the peaks and reflecting on water in front of him like a perfect mirror. He doesn't take any photos, though, in favor of storing the memories along with all of his others.

Still, as he watches the sun come up over the mountains, he can't help but remember his dream and wish Levi was there to share it with him.

The third day is relatively uneventful, save for Erwin hiking around a few nearby trails, or at least the ones that aren’t closed due to snow. Their fourth day in Colorado, however, falls on Christmas Eve, and Erwin wakes up that morning from a dreamless sleep.

He turns over in his bed, stretching out his arms and legs, but stops short when he realizes that he doesn't remember his dream from the night before. When he closes his eyes, he doesn't see little snippets of the memory that he had been dreaming of, like he usually does. And no matter how hard he tries, he can't recall anything.

It's the first time in over a year that he hasn't dreamt. The first time in over a year that he hasn't woken up with images of his Squad or the walls or titans or _Levi_ in his head. And while he wants to have a good Christmas Eve and spend time with his family that he rarely gets to see, he can't help but feel down throughout the day.

_It had to happen now. It had to happen the day before Levi's birthday_.

Erwin finds himself wondering throughout the day if it's pathetic that he thinks of Levi's birthday _before_ he thinks of Christmas now.

And he tries to stay cheerful - tries to contribute to conversation over lunch with his family while they're out that afternoon - he can't help but feel down. He can't help but be quiet and reserved. By the end of lunch, he can't help but want to get away for a while. He can't help but want to be by himself.

So while his family leaves the restaurant to head back home late that afternoon, Erwin opts to stay behind.

"I have a little last minute shopping to do," He explains to his mother, when she asks why with a concerned look on her face.

And while it's not all a lie - he still has yet to find his Aunt anything for Christmas - it's also a decent excuse to get away for a while. Thankfully, the house isn't too far away from downtown, and thankfully, his mom seems to either understand, or respects him enough not to pry.

So while his family heads home that afternoon, Erwin finds himself aimlessly wandering through downtown Aspen, popping into a shop or two here and there to keep his mind off of things. And while it's cold out, the brisk winter air feels good. Makes him feel alive.

By the time the sun sets, Erwin has been into half a dozen shops and still hasn't found anything for his Aunt. Most of them seem to be closing early, as well, so with one last ditch effort, he finds himself walking into a small little gift shop, just as the sun finally finishes sinking behind the mountains. It's a quaint little place - Erwin almost feels too big inside of it - and he finds himself looking over a small jewelry case, trying to pick something out for his Aunt.

A small, cheerful older woman behind the counter explains to Erwin that everything in the case is handmade, and asks him if he wants to see anything, and that's when he spots it. At first, he's uncertain why his eyes are drawn to the little green stone, held in place by the braided leather, but once he realizes what he's looking at, it hits him like a truck.

The bolo tie stands out among everything else in the case, as if it's calling his name. And while Erwin can't help but find it a little bit cheesy - of course he wants it, he used to wear one almost identical to it in a past life - he points it out to the woman behind the counter.

"This is one of my favorites," She explains as she hands it to Erwin to examine.

He nods in agreement, turning the tie over in his hands. It shares the same feel and weight as the one that he remembers, and the color of the stone is almost exactly the same. And maybe it's because it's sentimental or maybe it's just simply because it feels familiar in his hands, but Erwin finds himself walking out of the small shop ten minutes later with a gift picked out for his Aunt and the bolo tie hanging around his neck.

Erwin walks down the snow-packed street in the opposite direction of his family's house after he leaves the shop, quietly admiring the Christmas lights strung up on the trees and light polls and buildings along the main street. While it's long after sunset - just slightly after six-thirty, when he glances at his watch - Erwin still doesn't feel like going home. Not yet. So instead of turning around and heading back to the warmth of the house, Erwin hugs his jacket to his chest, throwing his hood on for extra warmth, and finds himself searching for the nearest open building. As he walks, he watches as a few snowflakes fall silently from the sky, and can’t help but take in a deep breath of cool mountain air.

The majority of the stores and restaurants along the main stretch of road are closed early - of course, who wouldn't want to be at home with their family on Christmas Eve - and Erwin has to walk another three blocks before he spies the tell-tale red and blue glow of an open sign across the street. It belongs to a small bar, Erwin realizes as he nears it, and while he's not really one for drinking, the warm glow of the lights look inviting and he can't deny that a little bit of alcohol would warm him up for the walk home, especially if it does start snowing.

So with a deep breath, he finds himself crossing the street quickly and pushing the heavy door of the bar open. It’s little - a small local place - but it's warm, and actually relatively busy for Christmas Eve, which makes Erwin feel a little less bad for himself as he finds an open spot at the bar and takes a seat.

While he waits to be helped, Erwin pulls his Aunt's gift out of the small, brown paper bag, running his thumbs over it. It's nothing special, just a turquoise necklace, but the woman at the shop had recommended it, and he figured it would match her eyes, so it would do. While he fiddles with the necklace, he allows his thoughts to drift. He finds himself wondering if maybe he should stop dwelling on the past so much. If maybe, his lack of a dream was a sign to let go. A sign that he won't find Levi in this life, no matter how hard he searches.

As he fiddles with the necklace, he doesn't even realize when one of the bar tenders approaches the woman next to him, then him, until they clear their throat loudly, demanding his attention.

" _Excuse me,_ " They say, more than likely not for the first time, finally catching Erwin's attention, "Are you going to get anything, or are you just going to sit there?"

And though Erwin opens his mouth to apologize and order a drink, he suddenly finds that he's unable to talk because _he knows that voice_. He'd recognize it anywhere, but-

_But this has happened before_. It's happened at the coffee shop that he frequents at home, and it's happened in the halls at school. He's hearing things, just hearing what he wants to hear. So before he allows himself to get his hopes up yet again, he pushes the thought far, far away.

And then he looks up. 

He looks up, and nearly falls off of the bar stool because Levi, _his Levi_ , is standing in front of him, glancing off to the left as someone on the other side of the bar yells for his attention.

He blinks his eyes a few times, but the image doesn't go away. His face doesn't change or fade away like it has to Erwin in the past, when he'd been mistaken or hallucinating or seeing things. No, he remains, real as ever, standing in front of Erwin, eyes narrowed, scowl etched onto his face.

Erwin stares, mouth agape, unable to form words, because _Levi_ is there, standing right in front of him, close enough to touch.

Levi spares him one last quick glance before shrugging -

"Whatever man, suit yourself."

\- and turning to walk away.

And while Erwin's brain is still trying to catch up - still trying to process everything - he manages to quickly pull his hood off and speak one word. Just one word, that's all he needs.

" _Levi."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY THAT I'M EVIL AND HAD TO END IT HERE, I REALLY AM.  
> ... Okay, maybe I'm not. I kind of like being evil. But still.  
> This was another one of my favorite chapters to write. Only one more left!


	6. Over Time Our Wires Crossed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Over time our wires crossed_   
> _Well you changed and truth got lost_   
> _All the things I would change if we could only rewind_
> 
> _You were a moment in life that comes and goes_   
> _A riddle, a rhyme that no one knows_   
> _A change of a heart, a twist of fate"_
> 
> **A/N:**  
>  I just want to thank all of you for reading and commenting on this! It was my first chaptered Eruri fic (hopefully the first of many) and I'm glad you all have enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!   
> <3

Erwin half expects him to just keep walking. He half expects this - seeing _Levi_ \- to be one big hallucination. It would make sense, after all, so close to his birthday, especially with how Erwin's been feeling. It wouldn't be the first time he'd just seen what he wanted to see. It wouldn't be the first time that he was sorely mistaken.

He also realizes that he hasn't taken into consideration the possibility that even if it _is_ Levi, that he won't remember him. That maybe, his memories haven't carried over into this life.

So his heart practically stops when the small form of the bar tender freezes, back turned to him, when he finally speaks. Time seems to stand still for a moment, the bar and all of the people around them going impossibly quiet to his ears. And for a moment, it's just the two of them. For just a moment, there’s nobody else in the bar. Nobody - _nothing_ \- else matters. Not now.

Erwin holds his breath, waiting, for something - anything - just some kind of response, until -

" _Erwin_?"

It's quiet, barely above a whisper, but it's a response, and Erwin catches it above the music and chatter and _everything_. It's the response he needed. The one he had been hoping for. He’s not just imagining it. He can’t be.

"Yeah," He murmurs, watching as Levi's form tenses slightly at his voice, fists visibly clenching at his sides, "It's me."

And at that, Levi is moving. He doesn't even so much as spare Erwin a glance as he throws the rag that he's holding down and walks quickly away from the bar and through a door into the kitchen. Erwin sits, staring with wide eyes as the door swings twice before shutting, unsure of what he should do. And while a couple of people at the bar glance his way, wondering what he said to make the bar tender disappear, he sits still in place. Waiting. Hoping.

He wonders if Levi even remembers him they way that he remembers Levi. He _is_ younger than Erwin, after all, so it could make sense that maybe he hasn't gotten all of his memories back yet.

But he definitely remembers. He has to remember. The way he'd frozen on the spot - _the way he’d said his name -_ told Erwin that he remembered. _Right?_

Erwin takes a deep breath, then another, attempting to calm himself. And as he sits, waiting for something, anything, to happen, his mind races.

It was Levi. It was really him, flesh and bone, standing right and front of him. Erwin wants to smack himself for letting him walk away. Because what if he doesn't come back? What if-

Erwin's thoughts are cut short, however, when another door flies open - this time on _his_ side of the bar - and Levi steps out. He walks fast, with purpose, fists clenched at his sides as he approaches Erwin, and Erwin braces himself, waiting. He wants nothing more than to jump out of his seat, to meet Levi halfway, to hold him and kiss him, but he waits. The last thing he wants to do is overwhelm him, so he sits still in his seat, waiting.

Levi is fast - he always has been - and despite his height, he closes the distance between himself and Erwin in only a few quick strides, and then -

_And then_ , without warning, he's lunging forward, one hand gripping the bolo tie around Erwin's neck, pulling him down and out of his seat for a hard, bruising kiss, as he’s done countless times before. His other hand comes up to tangle roughly in Erwin's hair, anchoring him down, and it actually takes Erwin a moment to realize what's going on, his head spinning.

To realize that it's _Levi_ , _his Levi,_ pressed up against him, kissing the life out of him. That it's really Levi, pulling him down by the tie, as he's done a thousand times before.  
  
And for the first time in a long time, things feel right. Things feel whole.

It takes a moment before Erwin shakes away the initial shock and returns the kiss, his own hands finding their place at Levi's waist. And for a few seconds, time seems to stand still. For a few seconds, nothing in the world matters more than the man in front of him.

After a long moment, Levi eventually pulls away, just slightly. He untangles his hand from Erwin's hair, but the other keeps its grip on the bolo tie, holding him in place. And when Levi speaks, his lips brush up against Erwin's just barely, softly, breath warm.

"It took you long enough," He murmurs quietly, and though he can't see it - not with how close they are - Erwin can hear the smile in his voice.

Erwin smiles back, pressing their foreheads together, "Thank you for waiting."

* * *

 

Levi ends up telling the other bar tender that he's taking the rest of the night off, and either she understands by the way that she sees Levi looking at Erwin, or she doesn't, but either way, he doesn't care. Either way, Erwin finds himself being dragged out of the bar not five minutes later, out into the cold. Out into the softly falling snow. 

He opens his mouth to say something - anything - but nothing comes out. What's he supposed to say, after over twenty years of waiting for this moment? There are a million things that come to mind, but nothing that he can voice.

Thankfully, Levi seems to understand. He turns around when he realizes that Erwin is walking slower, dragging him back, mind preoccupied, and he grins. He lets go of his hand in favor of closing the gap between them, standing up on his tip-toes to cradle Erwin's face in his hands.

Erwin lets his eyes fall closed as Levi speaks.

" _I know,"_ He murmurs, leaning up to press a kiss to Erwin's lips, "I know, it's okay."

"I'm sorry," Erwin finally voices, and it isn't until then that he realizes how weak his voice sounds. It isn't until then that he realizes that he's on the verge of tears, throat thick. How couldn't he be?

"I'm sorry it wasn't sooner, I-"

_I’m sorry that it was my fault that we died._

"Shh," Levi coos, pressing another soft kiss on his lips, "It's okay. You were worth the wait."

"But-"

"No," Levi assures, eyes narrowing, "We're not talking about it. Not now. I've spent too long waiting for you to let you get all sad and self-deprecating on me."

Erwin can't help but choke out a small laugh at that. He gathers himself again, clearing his throat before asking, "Alright. So what now?"

Levi shrugs, taking a step away from him. He takes Erwin's hand again, walking backwards. He wears a wild grin on his face, and while the expression is so _rare_ on him, it’s not unwelcome. He looks just as Erwin remembers, all those years ago. "We go for a walk?"

"Levi, it's snowing," Erwin mutters, looking up at the sky. It's not bad, but still, light fluffy snowflakes are slowly falling to earth, and he can't help but shiver.

"Then we sit in my car," He offers, shrugging again, "I don't care."

_As long as I’m with you._

So after a small walk - once they're both shivering, hands inside of coat pockets, attempting to keep themselves warm - the two of them find themselves sitting in the warm heat of Levi's tiny little car, watching the snow fall outside.

"I missed you," Erwin says at last, breaking the silence.

Levi snorts, "That's the understatement of the century."

It's quiet for another moment, and when the silence is broken again, it's Levi who speaks.

"Have you always known?"

It's a loaded question. In a way, Erwin has, but not completely. He looks down at where their hands are connected, fingers interlaced over the center console. "Sort of," He answers, "I've been dreaming about it since I was little... But I didn't fully remember until a few years ago, when I turned twenty-one. You?"

Levi nods, "I uh... I was eighteen."

Erwin's eyes widen at the realization that Levi had remembered before him. That he's known for almost five years now. He feels a pit in his stomach. Of course Levi had remembered before him. He finds himself remembering that fateful day, the tears in Levi’s eyes, the emotion laced in his voice when he’d muttered out, “ _Find me, Erwin. Please.”_

It only makes sense that he’d remember first. After all, Levi was strong. Stronger than Erwin had ever been. But still, it doesn’t stop the guilt that rises up in his chest. Levi’s been waiting for much longer than he has. He can’t imagine…

 "Levi, I-"

"It's okay," Levi cuts him off, smiling reassuringly, "You're just a late bloomer."

Erwin is quiet for a moment, contemplating pressing the issue, before he decides to change the subject, knowing that Levi will only get annoyed if he tries. "Have you always lived here?"

Levi nods, "Yep. Born and raised. It kind of makes sense that I'd end up in the mountains, though."

Erwin smiles fondly, "I should have known. You always did want to see them."

"They’re something…" Levi says, voice sounding far away as he glances out the window up the moonlit mountainside, "Compared to the ones in the walls."

Erwin nods his head in agreement, following Levi’s gaze, and he opens his mouth to say something in return, but Levi is speaking first again. "What about you?" He asks. He fidgets his fingers, running his thumb across Erwin's palm, as if he's making sure that he's actually real. Erwin doesn't blame him. "I swear to God, if you've been living here all this time and didn't find me, I might actually kill you."

Erwin chuckles softly. "No, I live in New York."

Levi's eyes widen, "Really?" And when Erwin nods, he mutters, "Well _shit._ At least we were on the same continent… When do you-"

"I'm not going back," Erwin says before Levi has a chance to ask the question. Before he even has a chance to consider it. He can't go back, not now. Not after finding Levi, after all of these years. Part of him already knew that he wouldn't be going home the second he laid eyes on him in the bar. Even if Levi hadn't remembered him, he wouldn't have gone home. He would have done anything, he-

"Don't you have to go back?" Levi asks, cutting his thoughts short, "You've got a job, right? You can't just-"

"Yes I can," Erwin interrupts, not even allowing Levi to finish his thought. "And I will."

And at that, a smile spreads across Levi's face. "So then what do we do now?"

Erwin shrugs. "I don't know. I mean, we live in a world without titans. We can do anything. We can finally travel, if you like..."

Levi snorts. "I don't know if you've noticed," He says motioning around his little car, "But I don't really have much."

"My family has money," Erwin supplies, grinning.

And at that, Levi leans forward, catching his lips in an unexpected kiss.

" _God, I love you."_ The words are soft, easy, muttered against his lips when Levi pulls away, and Erwin almost misses them. But he doesn’t.

And at them, Erwin freezes. A lifetime ago, the two of them had something amazing, something beautiful, and something very hard to come by, being the people that they were back then. But they hadn't been afforded the luxury to love, to dream. Everything was fast, urgent, stolen kisses and all too short nights spent together.

Levi had never said those three words before. Neither of them had. Not even as they accepted their fate on the battlefield that day. They'd never been afforded the _time_ to love. But now... Now is different.

Levi seems to realize what he's said, too, because he pulls back after a few seconds, eyes searching Erwin for an answer. They've never said it, but they've both felt it.

So Erwin leans in at last, pressing their foreheads together. His fingers run up the short hairs on the back of Levi's neck, just as they used to a lifetime ago.

"I love you too," He breaths, closing his eyes, "I'm sorry I never said it before."

"It's okay," Levi murmurs back, smiling, "You have a lifetime to make up for it." And once he earns a small chuckle from Erwin, he's leaning in and kissing him again, soft and slow.

And when they part - though it's not quite midnight yet - Erwin finds himself pressing a quick kiss to Levi's forehead, free hand stroking his hair, and whispering, "Happy Birthday, Levi."

_And somewhere, a lifetime ago, Erwin Smith watches as a small, agile man soars above him in stolen maneuver gear, and something just... clicks._


End file.
